Fear of Apathy

I went to the Secondary IV class today to work with the substitute teacher, but sadly, I didn't get to teach any of the students as I had hoped. Not a single one showed up. They knew that their science instructor was away in Montreal and skipped the morning classes. I ended up chatting with the supply teacher, K., instead. This was his first teaching job out of school, after graduating from North Bay. He said that likely, they will be looking for a Grade 2, 3 and 6 teacher next year and there'd definitely be opportunities for me. It seems that every other day, someone keeps encouraging me to take a job here. It's nice to know that I am welcomed with open arms.

Thinking back to my walk with A. last week, I remember telling her the thing I'd fear the most about working up north is falling into bad habits. I see it here and it scares me. There are many teachers, that you can tell, are probably brilliant and amazing. Yet when you walk into the classroom, you can see that it's fallen into disarray. Garbage on the ground, the sink is cluttered, books are scattered around and even the teacher's desk itself is cluttered and disorganized. It's sad to see when there's no pride in how the classroom looks*. 

And I do not ever want that to happen to me.

To fall into apathy. To no longer give a shit about the state of my classroom because I am too stressed, too fatigued, too overworked, too dispirited, too overwhelmed by the issues that I'd face on my job. I am just as human as the next person and easily susceptible to the environment around me; why should I think that I wouldn't suffer the same fate? I'd already burned out from my first teaching job and it took me more than a year to recover. My mental health is important to me and therefore, I am extremely careful about where I want to end up next.

My current job isn't sustainable in the long run and it would strain my relationship with Snoopy. Travel is fun for a bit and I get to meet different types of students and see how schools vary from one to another. Ultimately, I'd still like to have my own classroom and some routine for a year. A classroom where I have my own system of organization, decorated with diagrams, posters, student work and word walls. A space that both my students and I would share and take pride when we learn, experience and create together. 

But not a classroom up north. It's hard enough to set in habits and build on basic numeracy and literacy skills when two-thirds of your class have missed half of the classes by December. How do you execute your long-range plans when kids regularly disappear for weeks at a time and show up again with no notice? You might learn how to deal with misbehaviour in the classroom, but I'd be hard pressed to say that any of us in teacher's college was ever taught how to deal with absenteeism. 

On the flip side, would it be better to be overwhelmed? To be in a room full of screaming kids throwing chairs and yelling profanities? I'm not sure which environment I'd do better in. However, I am happy that my appetite for teaching has returned and that I am ready for the next challenge. I hadn't always felt this way the past couple of years. I don't know what the next year will look like but I will look forward to it with high hopes.

*I'm one of those people who will organize a room in every spare second I get. This applies not only to my own classroom, but sometimes someone's room that I am visiting. I don't have OCD although sometimes it appears that way!

**Quebec equivalent of Grade 7